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I felt attracted to a woman at work and told her so. She has treated me like a leper ever since. This was the first time I had really felt the same sex attraction and the first time I had said anything to anyone. So not a good start...

ok, something went weird in my post. Hopefully it's legible and gets fixed

I was living in Edinburgh at the time. I'd been dating this girl for a li'l while. My mom phoned me, as she did practically every week and the conversation went something like this:

Me: well mum, I really should head off the phone. I have this date-type thing I should get ready for.

Mom: oh really! what's his name?

me: um...Chloe...

Mom:...oh.
Is that a curiosity thing...or an experimental thing?

Me: No mum, it's a long time coming thing.

I agree with superqueero. I figured if I could label myself it would be easier to come out to myself and others but I freaked out a bit when I realized I couldn't comfortably squeeze myself into that box. It wasn't worth the stress for me. To those I've come out to I just say I'm interested in dating women, not men. Seems to go over well enough.

I haven't really figured out if I have anything to 'come out' about yet. I guess I am constantly coming out in a sort of way considering I cannot keep my mouth shut about anything. The last time I was dating a woman my mom told me it was because my last boyfriend had hurt me so badly. Interestingly, my girlfriend was the only partner I have ever been in love with and the only one I have not moved on from. Haven't told mom that yet.

I know what you mean, issyvoo. I used to think finding a label for myself would make sense of everything. And that it would match me perfectly. I went from bi to lesbian to queer and now i just don't care anymore. Labels are for .... you guessed it! ... soup cans!

CST raises another interesting question. Those of us with a more fluid sexual identity or one that evolves sometimes need to come out more than once as our identity shifts. First lesbian and then bisexual? First lesbian and then trans? First bisexual and then queer? These things do happen and they're not about someone not knowing herself or himself. Rather, they're about someone changing and growing over time and trying to be honest about that. (It may be at that point that some of us start finding labels rather useless.)

I've come out a few times: bi, then dyke, then trans, then queer.

dog the bounty hunter would agree with your post, too, winddancer.

i agree winddancerr

If we get into the logistics of defining that which is 'masculine' or 'feminine' we get into a whole other juggernaut.... most aspects of 'gender roles' are socially constructed. For example, i get associated with what society thinks are 'male' gender norms, how exactly i dont know,,,that is not an intentional aspect of my presentation;I just am who i am;i am from my vantage point, female through and through... and proud of it, but based on society's rigid sex/gender system, as having male aspects, is how THEY interpret me. If we could scrap the notion of certain characteristics being 'male' or 'female' attributes in our society we would be freer to just be an expression of who we authentically are without interference, or limitations. Even when you ARE just an expression of who you are, people are trying to label you and classify you; even within the gay community. For example, what designates that which is masculine or feminine for example?? Short hair is automatically assumed 'masculine'? or long hair 'feminine' etc etc etc. It is so narrow and frankly ridiculously simplistic.

For me it is definitely a process. I would like to have a date with a feminine like minded women-that would be an excellent start.

i didnt have to say anything ...
apparently i have a fag vibe ... sweeeet

I came out to my family one christmas when I was around 25.I told them they either accept me for who I was or they could not be a art of my life.They have all accepted me and it feels good not to hide who I am.My belief has always been be true to thyself.

lol I think the nn's are a temporary thing. They were in my post too... but now they're gone. :)

ok. I have NO idea why there are n's in front of some of my words!
?!

There are SO many women on my mothers side who are Queer.
Having 'it' come down through the generations presented a unique environment in which to develope as a 'Queer' ;p
I discovered it was the the rest of society, and at times,-
my own community, that provided restrictions and/or non acceptance on various levels lol
I was and still am.. endlessly fascinated as I witness how 'we' evolve.

While talking to my son's father on the phone, he informed me he'd just gotten back from Asia and had gotten married while he was there. I passed along the standard congrats and to this his reply was: 'Yeah, thanks. I don't do white chicks anymore' I laughed and told him that was pretty funny cause I didn't do men anymore.

His reply to that was silence, and he has been silent since... I couldn't have asked for a better outcome :)

Han, I agree that butch women face challenges that femmey women don't. However, I don't think it's a matter of hiding or not hiding who you are. I think it's a matter of being true to who you are. Some women are truly butch. Some women, like me, have always been truly feminine. For either group of women to try to look and present like the other would be to live a lie. In the late 80s and early 90s, I used to get a LOT of flack in the lesbian community for being feminine. It was seen as a way to try to hang on to heterosexual privilege by not 'looking like a dyke.' It was pretty unfair. I came out in order to be myself. I wasn't about to cut my hair and affect mannerisms counter to who I was; that would not have been being myself.

as an ftm,you have no choice to come out when you make a transition from female to male changes happens so fast,so i had to make 2 comming out the first for my sexual orientation and the second for my sexual identity because people can confuse both and it is totally different,

the more femmey i present, the easier everyday is. yikes.

I agree issyvoo....it's a challenge everyday to be a feminine, queer woman. BUT, I also feel we are lucky to get the privilege of when we decide to tell someone. I admire butch women who don't get that choice. Because of their appearance many assumptions are made. Often they don't get to decide who to tell. i want to thank you all of you butch women who walk down the streets, proud, and not hiding who you are! AND, I want to thank all of the feminine women who have tell everytime. AND to everyone else who doesn't identify with either femme or butch...thank you for living your truths :-)

When I was a young girl in the early 80s, I read in a magazine that young teenage girls sometimes had crushes on other girls but they would outgrow them and become 'normal.' My response was to think I should sleep with another girl quickly, before I outgrew the phase, though I wasn't lucky enough to get the chance. When I was eighteen, I realized that it wasn't just a phase and I began to actively seek out queer women and that was the beginning.

As other feminine women have mentioned in this discussion, when you look like the stereotype of hetero, coming out is an ongoing, daily process, a constant daily decision, because people always assume you're straight. So I have to come out over and over again... or choose not to, depending on my mood and whether I'm up to challenging people's ignorant assumptions about what queer (and straight) women look like.

Hmm. Well, I spent 6 months hiding it and sneaking around with girls. But then I got serious with my first girlfriend and I figured that hiding it was just silly. So I wrote my dad (my only parent) a letter, explaining that I've known I was gay for almost a year, and that I was dating a girl seriously.

And then one day, getting out of the car at the train station I handed it to him and then stayed out for the night.


He was fine with it, of course. :D He's a cool guy. My entire family is highly supportive, and very keen on making sure I know I have the support. So it worked out well.

*Told not Tolded

I didn't really have an official 'coming out.' I was in the living room making out with my girlfriend and my little sister came up the stairs and Gasped for what felt like forever with her jaw totally dropped and she screamed 'OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE LESBIANS! I'm telling mom on you!' hahah and that's exactly how it happened. But she never tolded. My parents figured it out when I moved in with her.

I have never come 'out' people just assume based on appearance and with family the fact i havent dated a guy in o like 15 yrs was a good hint... People tho assume things based on appearance; and that is fine but not when it is spoken to in a negative or demeaning manner... I was discriminated against for being gay in a big city and small town; frankly there are ignorant assholes no matter where you live....trust me it is not ever 'easy' to be gay, or other than mainstream normatives. I get the are you a guy or a girl routine, called 'sir', and even asked if i was in the 'wrong bathroom'... you sadly get used to the stupidity and take it frm where it comes frm. I am comfortable with who i am, and if others are uncomfortable that is their issue and i try hard to leave it there.

i had moderate acne and the doctor suggested birth control to even out my hormones. i was living with my ex boyfriend at the time and he was pretty sensitive to me dating other men while we were living together. i told him i got the pill from the doctor but he didn't have anything to worry about because 'i don't really like having sex with men anyway' :p i think he kinda knew that though

Was completely weird for me . I came out to friends first at one of the parties, they were trying to fix me up with a nice boy and i felt ok now is as good of time as ever and just said 'hey i am a dyke, so please dont embarrase the poor guy by giving him hope ' .Many people in my community (really 'straight' ukrainian russian community) turned on me . i could see girls look at me with scary eyes .I practicaly saw them think:' OMG that time she hugged me , was she hitting on me '.. But thank God my closest friend stuck by me . My parents dont speak to me anymore . I am not allowed to see my baby brother (we are 19 years apart)..BUT I AM SOOO HAPPY that i did come out . I am now liberated and free ! So it is all well worth it !

I just say i have done everything but animals to make it funny . hugs

I was 28 when I came out to myself. Madonna singing like a prayer made me gay :) My grandmother outed me to my mum after I had taken then girlfriend to visit her garden. Gran was in her twenties during WWII and got hit on apparently. She recognized 'that look' and called my mum. My dad was always real cool and supportive. Geez my straight brother hung out in gay bars because the music was better there, He was like ya we know... So. I envy young people now because there is more visability and it makes a difference.

I'm with Sugartits. One second I was married to a guy, next I was dating a girl. I didn't really have much of a 'coming out' but again, continuously, people assume a lot about me from the way I look/dress/act. mind you, when I say 'my wife' I don't think about it until I see the 'WTF' look on people's faces...hehe.

Me: 'Mom, I'm gay.'
Mom: 'I knew we shouldn't have taken you to San Francisco.'
next day...
Dad: 'Your stepmom and I are doing so many gay weddings these days!'
Me: 'uhhh...maybe you can do the flowers at MY wedding.' *hint hint*
Dad: 'I'm so proud of you! Do you think this can help us get more weddings?'
Inspired by superqueero's excellent coming out dialogue.

i wasn't gay growing up, so i more just 'changed' than 'came out.' i get read as straight most of the time, so coming out happens continually -- to my students, the guy at the bus stop who thinks he has a chance, my physiotherapist... it's an ongoing thing :)

I told my closest friends to come over because I wanted to tell them something and when I said that I was gay their response was, ' Yeah, well we know that. We thought you were going to tell us you were dying of cancer or something. Don't scare us like that!'.

my mom figured it out...my sister told my dad, he was totally shocked so my sister dropped another bomb...your other daughter is pregnant :P coming out was pretty easy, everyone figured it out long before i did...coming out trans is another story :P

i think i gave mom my bedroom and told her i was sleeping in here with my then girlfriend.....her response was i dont give a fuck who you sleep with..........

my brother was visiting me in calgary. he caught my 'roommate' and i making out. he called my mom.

Seems pretty easy these days for gay people to 'come out' ( most people) After all, there was a time gay people were chased out of small towns for being gay.These days, I find the more un comfortable you are about being gay..just takes us back 50 years.

I only tell my closest friends and they all respect my exploration.

'Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual.'
'Oh, How exotic!' *claps hands*
LMAO for the record, I now identify as queer and am generally not into guys. But that is my coming out story :P